Do You Really, REALLY "Like" Me?

What do you think of Malcolm Gladwell? For us, he's alternately a blowhard and way too impressed with his own hair. But he deserves great credit for his piece "Small Change" in the October 4 New Yorker.

His gist is that the Internet's ability to connect us all has distorted the meaning of friendship, motivation, and activism. And we at Positively Thinking think that, despite his hair, this time he's got it exactly right.


First, you're not truly making me a "friend" me on Facebook; you're "acquaintancing" me. Am I really a friend if you contact me once a year on FB to tell me you hiked in Yosemite last week? If, conversely, you had dinner with me and and  looked me in the eye, and then we talked about our families and happiness , then yes, you could be a real friend. Especially if we shared time in person more than once a year.


FB "friends" often—very often—have weak ties. Ties that have very little meaning in their lives.We're not suggesting there is anything inherently wrong about "friending" (now there's an example of language evolving appropriately) a person or organization. We're just think people have lost some perspective about what a true connection feels like.


(Gladwell does not mention the marketing implications of "likes." But as marketers, we think it's relevant to mention the critical importance of  "likes" on a company's FB page. The more "likes" a company has, the higher their Google ranking (that's a fact, folks). So their friends or acquaintances or whatever you'd like to call them can have a direct impact on that company's business.)


The Internet continues to be the wild, wild West in many ways. It's almost universally free; anyone can access anyone or anything at any time. For the moment, anyway. And security/privacy issues notwithstanding, these are good things. 


But perspective can get lost in the loosely drawn, decidedly informal web we all create for ourselves. Making contact with others to establish and grow real relationships—whether this is done by an individual or organization—can be the beginning of a truly valuable relationship.The beginning.

Gladwell describes instances in which online communities can have literally life-saving impact, such as lightning-fast money-raising efforts for medical procedures. Those kinds of initiatives are truly inspiring should make everyone proud.


But a larger point he makes it's that these kinds of efforts succeed because they are "easy." All you need to do is click and contribute a dollar. You're not going out of your way, devoting time or energy or sacrificing yourself to help another person. 


Here's perhaps his best line about social 'activism': " . . . it succeeds not by motivating (people) to make a real sacrifice, but by motivating them to do the things that people do when they are NOT motivated enough to make a REAL sacrifice." (Those CAPS are mine, for emphasis.)


Maybe that's overly cynical or harsh, but we think he's right, again. Sure, feel good if you contribute a dollar, but don't fool yourself into thinking you've just "given" of yourself. You spent a minute or two and did a small, good thing. That's fine. But that's it.


Social networks are, by definition, not hierarchical organizations; they lack much structure, procedure, and authority. So their value is not their ability to effect change; it's to provide a forum to communicate opinions and information. It's to promote participation, not motivation. Great Gladwellisms all.


Friendship, in our view, is best when it's created the old-fashioned way: when you earn it.